Goodbye College Life!

After 16 years of dealing with teachers, writing papers, doing research, and non-stop studying, it’s finally almost over. I’m officially about to embark on the next chapter of my life and I’m scared to death. I’ve been searching for internships and job opportunities for quite some time and nothing has been going my way. I’m worried, terrified that I’m not going to be able to find something and end up working a dead beat job. Right now, I’m not that concerned about my relationship with Brandon because my life takes precedent. There are times when I miss him, and while it’s only been a week since we spoke last, it’s beginning to upset me. I don’t want to be his backup plan, the girl he calls when there’s no one else to hang out with, when he needs something in a physical way..I’m not that girl. I want to mean something to someone.

Eat Pray Love

One of my co-workers told me on many occasions that I should watch Eat Pray Love. Though I’m not quite finished with it yet, having 1 hour remaining, I find it to be utterly refreshing and inspiring. Last summer, I saved up some money and traveled to Japan for 17 days and it was an amazing experience. This film has sparked the travel bug in me again and I’m ready to see Italy. The sights, sounds, smells are too tantalizing to ignore. It would be nice to just get away and find myself, who I am and what I want out of life,  in a beautiful country. Graduation isn’t too far off now and I am currently single so there isn’t much holding me back, aside from expenses. We are only given one life to live and I don’t want to waste precious time dreaming of something I could make a reality.

As for the Brandon situation, I know where we stand but I’m not sure how I want to progress. We are single but exclusive to each other..I’m not sure that’s going to work for much longer. I can’t seem to figure out exactly what I want out of life and I’m struggling. Some bad choices I’ve made regarding eating habits has led to a weight gain of 8 pounds. This is very upsetting for me and I’m working to correct the problem. Walking is helping somewhat, but it’s really about getting to enjoy nature and its beauty. Hopefully after graduation I will be pointed in the right direction. Only time will tell, so the saying goes, but I don’t want to waste too much time.

Unsure

Things are completely out of wack right now. Brandon and I haven’t been together for over a month now, but our recent rendezvous has left me more confused than ever. He told me all of this stuff about how he still loves me, wants to be with me and in the end believes we will be together, but I feel like he’s changing his tune now. I never should have given in and said “I love you.” I’m such a fool. I was so strong the other day and now I’m crumbling. I do love him, but the feeling isn’t as strong and I don’t have that spark, the “I’m in love with you” spark. He doesn’t have it either, I can tell. We both love each other and are attracted to each other, but I’m not sure that we could ever be “in love” again. It’s actually very disheartening to me and I would prefer to not think about it anymore. Damn me. I was doing so well before I got dinner with him. I’m my own worst enemy.

I’m getting dinner tonight with Robbie, but after all of this tragic mess with Brandon I’m just not feeling it. Boys know how to ninja mind rape me. Gahhh! I’m ready for some clarity and for my plan to start working the way it was supposed to. I hate the unknown.

Cause I miss you, most at Christmas time

Christmas is upon us again and the many stressors and pressures that come along with it are here. I feel like there is some unwritten, unspoken standard I have to live up to in order to please Brandon’s family. My gifts should be perfect, and I should be perfect. I’m really just tired of trying to please people and live up to their expectations. Last year, I was the happiest person in the world, but somehow things have changed between Brandon and I. He used to say that I was the most important person in his life and he would do anything for me, but he doesn’t say that anymore nor does he express it. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen him in two weeks that I just feel unloved, or maybe it’s because I really am unloved. My complaining about us has gotten worse and I know it affects him, but all I’ve ever wanted is for him to notice that the little things are important to me. He’s so wrapped up in doing things for his family, unnecessary things that they could easily ask his brother to do, playing with his car that he’s going to drag race, etc. Seeing me, spending time with me, loving me is not a priority on his list, not like it used to be. As we’ve grown together over these last few years, I’ve headed down the more mature relationship path and he is headed in the opposite direction. I get that he has the money to do things that he didn’t get to do before and I should respect that, but what about the things I’ve sacrificed? Yes, I’m 21 and I should be doing things that normal 21 year olds do, but I just want to spend time with my boyfriend, the guy I was head over heels in love with. I’ve been trying to keep the fire burning, but it’s hard to do that when someone keeps throwing water on it. Where’s the magic, the passion, the surprise, the love? I don’t want to wave the white flag and surrender, I don’t want to give up on something we’ve worked on since high school, but do I have a choice anymore? Maybe we’re really not meant to be together anymore. A friend of mine told me that there is more than one soul mate out there for us, but if that’s true then where is this other person? My brain is riddled with questions about us and whether or not things should just end. I might be more devastated than him if they did, and that’s what hurts.

On a completely different note, I miss my dog. I miss her more than anything and she should have been here for Christmas. Someone could have done something to save her, the vet was an idiot and I blame him for not giving my dog the proper medication. She kept me happy and I’m not sure another dog could steal my heart the way she did. I don’t remember much of my life before the age of 5, and that’s when we got her, so she essentially was there ever since I could remember. Fifteen years of my life with a companion unlike any other is gone. The memories are wonderful and I’m glad I have them, but I just wish she could have held on a bit longer. Life is depressing. I have no idea what to do with myself these days. When are things going to get better?

Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot

I found it quite coincidental that I chose to watch The Number 23 on April 23. Weird, ehh?? I really didn’t plan that at all and I only realized it because my dad pointed it out. He’s a brilliant man. That movie was ridiculously long and annoying. I haven’t actually finished it (15 minutes remain) because my parents made me give up the television, but it’s definitely a movie I’ll never watch again. Jim Carrey’s voice alone makes me want to stab someone, specifically him. The entire concept of this film is somewhat interesting, but it’s much too slow and repetitive. I should have counted how many times the number 23 was uttered because I’m sure it was well over 100. So far, the only thing I really like is the ending because it’s slightly unexpected. Maybe it’s just me but I’d rather watch The Cable Guy.

Shout It Out

Now it’s time for more word vomit. I HATE people. To be more specific, I hate senior citizens and stuck up punk ass bitches. Seriously, I cannot stand how rude and inconsiderate people are these days. First of all, get the fuck over yourself. You are not the center of the universe nor will you ever be. I despise all living, breathing idiots that act self absorbed. Sure,  being a bitch is necessary at times, but what the hell is wrong with being nice every once in a while? I know what you’re thinking, “Kristina you’re not a nice person at all.” Well, to be honest, I’m not. But I can be and I usually am until someone brings me down or gives me shit about something. I find it quite enjoyable to be happy, but obviously fucking douche bags don’t think I deserve to be.

I pose this age old question, “Can’t we all just get along?” I’ve discovered an appropriate answer and that answer is most definitely not. Some people just aren’t likable, some people are morons, some people yell and talk too much, some people are too quiet, some people are airheads, some people are geniuses, some people hate the human race, some people are bound to clicks by religion, and so on and so forth. I guess I need to realize that there will always be hate in this world for other individuals. You can’t be happy all the time, and if you are then I want to know what you’re smoking. Not everyone can coincide/coexist in the same groups, or get along for that matter. We weren’t meant to all fit together like a puzzle and no matter what, we’ll never all get along with one another. It’s impossible, period.

We’re Not Going To Take It

Next semester is going to be very spacey. My schedule isn’t too bad; Monday and Wednesday I have late classes, and Tuesday and Thursday I have early classes. Friday I have absolutely no classes and I couldn’t be more excited. What will I spend my fabulous Fridays doing?? Only time will tell. Now then, I’m going to finish watching “Women Who Kill.”

Long Road To Ruin

I was late to CRJS this morning, what a pity. There was an accident on 64 but I didn’t see any smashed up vehicles or blood splattered asphalt. However, I did get to enjoy 2 miles worth of lovely traffic which brought me to the conclusion that people can’t drive because there were absolutely no abnormalities on the interstate. Apparently the sight of a cop car makes other drivers panic and slam on brakes. Seriously, they’re not going to pull you for going 1 mph over the speed limit so dropping down 5 mph isn’t necessary.

Well, I find myself running out of things to say. Bye.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice

Again, I feel the need to write about my cousin. She decided to stay out all night last night and didn’t tell anyone. She had my mom up at 2:30 in the morning worrying about her and when she finally got in contact, Kelela said she didn’t want to come home. How can someone be so inconsiderate? We let her into our home so she’s not out on the street and then she acts so disrepectfully. Now she doesn’t know if she wants to stay here or not, and my guess is that she’ll move out. At least I know how to come home, damn. What an ignorant child. I guess she’s more like her mother than I thought.

We Were Both 18 And It Felt So Right; Sleeping All Day, Staying Up All Night

My cousin and sex are two things I never want to think about, but yesterday I was forced to. Because Brandon said something to me last night, something so ridiculous and innocuous, my cousin kept looking at me weird. She followed me around my house repeating his comment and shaking her head at me. I wanted to hit her. This is when our “talk” came into play. In my book, if you’re not in love and you’re being pressured to have sex, than it’s not the right time and he/she is not the right person. In Kelela’s world, being pressured is okay. I’m about to put her business out here, and considering no one knows who she is, I don’t care. She openly admitted that she has had sex with three guys, all of which were her boyfriend at that time, thank God, and that she felt slightly pressured but went ahead and did it. Her stupidity amazes me, but because she has had on going family problems for most of her life, I allow her a huge margin of error. I think she feels superior to me because she’s performed these “acts of love” with three different individuals, whereas I–well, we’re not going to discuss my private life. Superior or not, I really don’t give a damn because I’m better than that. But yeah, I’m trying to set a good example so she doesn’t go around having sex with every boyfriend she gets; she’s not a whore. I’m trying to bestow my wonderful knowledge and common sense upon her, but it’s going to take longer than I anticipated.  Well, time is of the essence and I’m all out. This was a very scattered and unfinished piece of writing and…